seeking october

september has been a difficult month. my depression has dominated these past weeks, culminating in some very serious self-harm issues that terrified me. i've felt so alone in these dark days, wondering why i'm still struggling, trying to find any beams of light that may help me. but september has also shown me how much i've grown, even though i'm feeling so low. making the effort to see a therapist regularly (and not skipping a single appointment, no matter how terrible i'm feeling) has made a difference. reaching out to friends and family to be honest about what's happening has made a difference. telling my husband when things are getting desperate has made a difference. and i truly believe that working with tarot, pushing myself to connect with the tarot community, and reading even on difficult days has made a difference. it's been a really hard month, but i'm still here.

i haven't been particularly consistent with this instagram challenge, but i've really enjoyed mixing the prompts in with my regular readings. and as i look to october, hopeful that the fiery colors and crisp air and cooling waters and rich earth will help bring me back to center, it feels like there's room for a few cards of reflection.

27. where & how are my fears holding me back?

IMG_0373

the world, a card of completion, balance, and wholeness. an interesting card for fears and hesitation, but this sense of peace, unity, and fullness is something i struggle with. the dark parts of me, my depression and insomnia, my struggles, my jealousy, my shadows - they are just as much of a part of me as my better qualities. i may not be a perfect person, but i am a complete person, and the light and dark sides of me are both important.

i pulled the fountain for my theme card for september, a card from the fountain tarot that also represents a firm sense of self, contentment, learning to simply be. we are connected to the universe in a unique way, but we are also complete in ourselves. learning to accept who and where i am, understanding that all the parts of me combine into something that is whole even when it feels broken, has been a real struggle this month. there are so many pieces of myself that i despise, and i wish i could shed them, leave them behind, or turn them into something better. but these reluctant feelings, this desire to change the core of who i am, is driven by fear. if i can learn to accept this broken self, and see the cracks and flaws as signs of strength and perseverance rather than as fundamental failures, perhaps i can find new strength in myself.

28. what can use more of my time?

IMG_0340

the nine of cups is a lovely card of contentment, quiet, and letting things be. the circle of cups is not yet complete, but there is a stillness, a gentle pleasure to this card that feels incredibly soothing. this card always feels like permission to relax, to enjoy the moment, to be grateful, to indulge in the small things that help us find peace and rest. it's a card of self-care, of relaxation, of generosity.

i often struggle with self-care, finding it difficult to fully rest into any one moment. i may treat myself to a bubble bath or an at-home facial, but i find it hard not to still check my email, read about whatever latest hideous thing our idiot-in-chief has said on twitter, worry about friends and family, wonder how i can boost my career, and on and on and on. i may try to take time for tarot, but i find myself irritated with any interruption, constantly distracted, feeling like the whole thing is ridiculously self-centered. several doctors have all told me i need to adopt a regular yoga practice to help my severe major depression and idiopathic insomnia, and i find it impossible to do this as it somehow feels like a selfish indulgence. i feel like i don't deserve anything, like i shouldn't waste money and time and energy on things that only benefit myself, like i don't do enough for others to also indulge myself. but depression takes everything away, and finding ways to physically and emotionally tell myself that i am worthy, that i am valuable, that i am important - that can have a huge impact on recovery.

29. what should october leave behind?

IMG_0298

i love the daughter of swords. i love her honesty, her directness, her agility, her intelligence. she assesses situations calmly, considers the best solution in a straightforward manner, and refuses to play games. she doesn't make things more complicated than they need to be - rather, she has a gift for boiling issues down to their more simple, basic principles. she trusts her instincts, relies on facts and reason, values the truth above all. why would i want to leave her behind?

perhaps it's simply to make way for growth. the daughter is the youngest member of the court, often called the page or the novice, and while she feels like a pure expression of the suit, she still has much to learn. being so analytical, so focused on truth and facts, can definitely be taken too far - and applying so much mental energy to something as nebulous and complicated as depression hasn't been super helpful for me. reading articles, talking about it nonstop, being unable to see anything through any other lens - even my tarot readings always come back to my mental illness, rather than any of the other things going on in my life.

in this context, i think the daughter of swords is asking me to make room for some other approaches. it may be time to get out of the sky and get back in touch with nature and the earth, to let myself feel all of these messy, water-logged feelings, to acknowledge the bits of fire that will hopefully start to spark again. it's time to get out of my head and learn to trust my own instincts, even if they aren't always based in the element of air.

IMG_2121.jpg

comparing this with my three cards from the first day of september, there's a lot of similarities. my theme card is reflected in this fears card, reminding me to embrace all the pieces of myself, even the ones i'm not proud of. my strength was guarding myself, staying safe, and here i'm also encouraged to take care of myself, to remember the good, to find healing in stillness and quiet and solitude. and my weakness was burden, exhaustion, which i appear to have countered by swapping passion for prudence.

here's hoping for a more balanced, energetic, positive october.

september, september

reaching for my cards has been difficult lately. the cards are wise, comforting, and challenging, but they take a lot of energy to interpret correctly - i have to be in an place where i can hear anything, where i'm willing to see the messages and lessons that are intended, rather than looking for what i want or what i fear. i haven't felt strong enough, but i'm trying to push myself today. i mentioned in my last entry that i'm beginning a september tarot challenge on instagram, and i'm already a few days behind. it felt like fear (and it partially was), but i also liked the idea of tackling the first three days together - my theme for the month, my strength this month, and my weakness this month. i'm not sure how much the challenge will spill over onto this blog, and am honestly not sure how many days i will get through, but starting with these three cards felt right to me.

IMG_1917.jpg

armed with rose quartz for healing, compassion, and love, i laid out cards from both of my decks. deep breaths, quiet prayers, trying to enjoy the stillness rather than feeling trapped by it. it's been a long, difficult few weeks. please, cards, be kind.

1. my theme of the month card

the fountain, a major arcana card unique to the fountain tarot, representing oneness, clarity, ultimate connection, enlightenment, surrender, understanding and acceptance. it was designed to be separate from the cycles of birth, death, time, and form, IMG_1926and while it appears after the world in the major suit, also exists outside of it - similar to the fool, with its 0. this card is infinite, whole, separate. this card is complete on its own.

it's a stunning card, with sparse, abstract patterns of light and shadow. a brilliant white beam cuts through the center, allowing the edges and swirls to play on either side in their own natural, beautiful way. the card is not perfect, not symmetrical, not flawless, but it is whole, complete, and gorgeous. there's a peace, a tranquility about this card - it feels confident, calm, aware in its stillness. the text for this card includes the phrase surrender to that which you are, which really resonates - i spend so much time struggling against my own self, my desires, my wishes, my preferences, my needs, my demons. i judge myself daily, especially when my depression is wrapped around me, cutting me off from the world, making it hard to breathe. this idea of unity, of being utterly connected with the universe simply by tapping into everything that makes me me, feels huge, powerful, uncomfortable. but surrender, embracing who and what i am, understanding that even my flaws are essential to my self? what a lovely, complicated idea, and a beautiful challenge and theme for my month.

2. my strength this month


a card of self-preservation, conscious action, and full awareness, the seven of swords represents the strengths that i can draw on this month. this has always been a challenging card for me, feeling like it could have a number of interpretations based on the situation at hand, but i don't normally see deception or deceit here - at least, not as secrets with wicked or damaging intentions. rather, this feels like a card of protection, staying alert, keeping one eye open and aware of possible danger, trouble, obstacles. our seven-of-swordsfox is a clever trickster, yes, but he's using his mental energy and clarity to stay sharp, to make a plan, to keep himself protected and safe, even if that means withholding information from others.

i prefer to keep things close, private, personal. it's hard for me to share thoughts and feelings and dreams, even when they're positive - i'm an introvert, but i'm also pretty secretive. i don't let just anybody in. and in these shadowy days, this fox feels exactly like me - i've driven everyone away with my depression and my irritability and my darkness, and am utterly alone, clutching my sword, sad and afraid. everything hangs overhead, and it's up to me to keep my secrets, stay aware, protect myself. i don't know if my solitude is helping or making things worse - i hate feeling that i don't matter to anyone, but i also truly believe it, way down deep. it's all up to me, because who else is there?

can this be a strength, this tendency to hoard personal details, this unwillingness to share, this desperation to stand on my own even when i've already fallen flat on my face? perhaps it can. i've seen others write about this card in terms of tact, diplomacy, keeping secrets to protect ourselves and others from unnecessary harm - and that i can do. and as i approach my theme of the month, learning to surrender to my true self, perhaps a bit of caution, protection, full awareness, wouldn't go astray. these are big, scary themes - knowing how to keep myself quiet and safe could come in very handy this month.

3. my weakness this month

my weakness this month is the ten of wands, a card of burnout, exhaustion, too many projects, scattered passions, stagnant energy. these wands, which once pulsed with fire and flame, are now piled high, their light extinguished. too much of a good thing, IMG_0312overwhelmed, a burden of enthusiasm. we can't say yes to every single thing - we have to pick and choose where to invest our time, our energy, our passion, or we run out of steam, and things fall apart.

the creator of the wild unknown deck talks about mental and physical burdens, missing the wood for the trees, a weight on ones' spirit that leads to hopelessness and depression. and that all rings so true right now - i feel heavy, yet empty. hope feels out of reach. my body hurts, my soul aches, i can't see things that are right in front of me. my depression is a weakness, to be sure, but it's also a challenge. every single thing i do takes too much energy, and i have to push to complete the smallest tasks. my everyday household chores, caring for my beloved dog, setting up work for the future, trying not to drive my husband completely insane - it's so much harder than usual.

i hope september isn't only defined by my depression. i hope i'm not stuck here for too long, trapped in this heavy haze of sadness and loneliness and frustration. i hope i come out the other side stronger, that i haven't permanently damaged my relationships, that i haven't alienated too many people, that i haven't lost work or contacts or momentum. but even if i come out of the storm soon, this card reminds me to not jump back in too quickly, to stay focused and passionate, to channel my energy into the places and projects that truly matter to me. taking the time to reconnect with the world, and working to maintain balance, will be essential for me this month.

IMG_1922.jpg

there are challenges here, to be sure. life is difficult right now. but that pulsing light in the center, the wholeness and quiet power of the fountain, is a lovely guiding light for my september. even with swords overhead, with depression and fear and sadness weighing me down, if i can keep moving towards that beautiful surrender, perhaps my september will bring me some peace and healing.