shadows & surrender

i love my deck, but lately i've been itching to explore some new interpretations. since i'm still pretty new at tarot, i don't want to become so attached to one specific set of cards that i can't open myself up to new readings, new possibilities, new understandings of these archetypes and images. the only way for me to grow is to connect with new decks, new artistry, and look to find the deeper meanings that i might miss with my current cards. today's reading was done with the fountain tarot, and is a perfect card for my state of mind: the moon. IMG_1828illuminating the dark waves and casting luminous shadows over the world, the moon glows in the darkness, gentle light that teases and tricks the eye. the card is beautiful, evocative and layered, with gorgeous monochromatic blues and greys. i love the ghostly wolves standing on the piers, the ropes and beams playing with lines, the richness of the night sky. the moon is a card of mystery, trickery, imagination - we can easily get lost in those dark shadows, our feet and minds confused without the brilliance of the daylight. there's a wildness to this card, a sense of temptation, a longing to stay trapped in that beautiful darkness, howl at the sky, get lost and refuse to be found.

the creators of this deck call it a surrender to darkness, and write, "...there is nowhere to anchor, and everything feels confusing and deceptive, though slightly seductive and familiar. even time seems to be disappearing, but there is an urgency for you to move, or risk being lost here forever." that resonates with me so strongly, it took the breath right out of my lungs. there's nothing lovely about depression, no hidden benefit or secret silver lining - it's just darkness, ugliness, a horror that paralyzes. depression takes, and takes, and takes. but the moon reveals beauty in that darkness, creates new murkiness where before there was only clarity. the moon lets us journey through those shadows, find hidden truths, and explore the depths of our own souls - good, bad, and ugly.

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i never quite know if it's better to surrender to the darkness, to give in to the inevitable, and try to ride it out with grace - or if i should fight to the bitter end, using every last muscle to keep the monster away for as long as possible. i've tried both; neither works. the shadows always come, the fog always covers me, the upside-down always traps me. there's no escaping the darkness, merely delaying it. but this time around, i'm trying to just let it be, but stay open. i'm trying to keep talking, keep blogging, keep reading my cards. i'm forcing myself to connect, to share, to seek out those who may understand and try to build something.

scary stuff, to be honest. forcing myself to be introspective, to write, to share, to connect with others honestly and openly - it's hard, and doesn't come naturally to me. but my hope is that if i can keep a little crack in the door, if i can focus on that softly glowing celestial beauty in the distance, if i can find ways to keep my dimming creativity alive, then maybe this descent into the shadows won't be quite as deep.