grief & release

though i'm very new to the fountain tarot, it's remarkable how different it feels in my hands. when i was trying to choose my first deck, i kept coming back to the wild unknown - it felt like i had an immediate emotional connection to it, like we could have a long and fulfilling relationship, like it had wisdom and knowledge and power that it was just waiting to reveal. it felt like water, deep and dark and full of magic. but the fountain tarot feels like air to me, crisp and light and honest, ready to cut to the heart of the matter. perhaps that's why it's taken me so long to begin working with this deck, in spite of the fact that i bought it months ago - i had to be ready to deal with this new feeling, a new element in my readings. true to form, my new deck is clear and concise, sharing its wisdom and waiting for me to catch up. today's cards are judgment and the five of cups.

IMG_1852my single card draw was judgment, a card of release, reconciliation, and forgiveness. it's looking directly at our past, understanding the pain and struggles and loss that may be there, fully acknowledging mistakes and heartache and difficulties. it's accepting our role in those trials, honestly owning what has happened (along with what hasn't) and our part in it, and then setting it free. i find it feels so much easier sometimes to hang on to that pain, to let it fester into bitterness and anger and frustration - but all that dwelling on the past actually takes so much energy, changing the focus from what's in front of me back to what's already happened. this shift isn't always an elegant or lovely process - rather, this type of self-assessment and openness is often ugly and messy and terrifying. but setting that pain free, letting go of the past, and allowing ourselves to move on is the only way to go forward and begin to heal. there's such intention in this card, a joyous leap up and out from that stifling cavern. she's finally free, able to rise up and step into a new, more open future.

i don't often acknowledge cards that jump out of the deck while shuffling, at least not beyond a quick glance, a nod, and incorporating it back into the deck. but the five of cups leapt out of the deck when i was cutting it, about to draw, which has never IMG_1854happened to me. and seeing these two cards together, i can understand what the cards wanted me to see. the five of cups speaks to grief, despair, an emotional storm. while not every cup is overturned or broken, there has been a significant loss, and it must be mourned. there is a time for sadness, and trying to ignore the sorrow can be a recipe for disaster. it can be so tempting to get lost in that suffering, to let the pain become the only thing that feels real - the man in this image is mourning those spilled cups, but there are two full ones right behind him, waiting for him to turn around and grasp them when he's ready to move forward. we cannot get so lost in our grief that we forget that all is not lost, that we overlook that which we still have. but taking a beat to feel that sorrow is necessary - this card gives permission to feel that sadness, to move inward, to feel what we feel even when it's dark and difficult. sometimes, we just have to sit with the despair.

 

IMG_1843together, these cards have a powerful message. the shadows are real - there has been loss, and struggle, and pain. a period of mourning is natural, normal, and acknowledging pain is an important part of moving past it. but without intention, without purpose, this grief cannot be overcome. even though i'm good at putting on a brave face, can play the role that's required of me at times, my depression will not simply disappear just by ignoring it. and the pain of my past and present cannot be shed if i don't acknowledge it. i have to face those demons, thoughtfully consider where i've been, and find a way to feel and release this pain without drowning in it. freedom is on the horizon, but i have to reach for it.

 

release.

as i work through and process some difficult things, it was such a gift to pull today's card: judgement. i actually received this card a few weeks ago and found it very comforting, but today it feels like a push forward.IMG_0372 there's so much in this card, beauty and truth and freedom and soaring towards the light, release and understanding and pure hope. this dove is so strong, fleeing that tangled darkness below to reach the bright open space above. and so often, ugliness is created by us - fear, guilt, pain, anxiety, depression. we spend so much energy worrying about what might happen when we finally release those secrets and fly free, but the dove is so much more powerful now, having shed the dark and embraced her strength. and this card feels like an incredibly powerful symbol to me, that perhaps it's time for me to embrace my strength too.

today is june 1, the first day of pride month. as a bisexual woman, raised in a very religious family and church that was vocally anti-homosexual, pride and judgement are difficult topics for me. it's taken me a very long time to own my identity, and to admit that while i don't all the answers, i can no longer deny who i am. i only came out a few years ago, after i'd already been married for some time, and it was a shock to my parents and many who'd grown up with me. other friends were much more supportive and loving, including my husband, and for that i'm incredibly grateful. but there are some very important people in my life who still don't know about my sexual identity, and in this month of pride, and this impossible political climate, it feels more essential than ever to come clean and stop hiding.

IMG_0304the cards aren't always this on-the-nose, so i gave myself a clarifying card to make sure i was moving in the right direction: and pulled the two of wands. a bold, goal-oriented card of determination, focus, and strength... that happens to have a colorful, vivid rainbow in the background.

i think that we bring a lot of our own baggage to tarot - it can be hard to clear my mind and not project everything i want to see into my readings. but i've been worrying non-stop about telling these last family members about my orientation, feeling isolated and alone, and these cards give me so much strength. it will not be easy, but i can't keep hiding in the darkness. it's time to reach out and grab those wands, face my truth, and release some of the secrets.

it's time to find some pride.