get over yourself

do you ever find yourself wanting to achieve a goal, but being terrified of even getting started? i've had a few opportunities to share my writing pop up, and while the recent times i've put myself out there have gone well (more on that later), i have a new chance to share my work on a larger platform, and it's haunting me. i know i want it, but imposter syndrome is a bitch, and my thoughts are so tangled with anxieties that i can't seem to get started. as always, beth maiden's spreads to the rescue. begin now, with what you have - i have to start somewhere.

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goal: i chose the queen of wands for myself, as i'm currently craving that fiery energy, those creative sparks, that power and magnetism to write something that really speaks to others. i want the confidence to share my story, without fear.

the bottom row of cards are things that i already have, and what i can build on.

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two of swords: choices, options, finding balance, dealing with a blockage. this definitely feels reflective of where i currently am - wondering if this project is worth the effort, worried about my abilities, scared of moving forward in any direction. i know that taking this chance is something i should do, but i need to fully embrace this as a path forward so that i can stop wasting energy with worries and fears.

ace of cups: exploring emotion, a new relationship, blossoming. just writing the piece i have in mind will be an emotional journey, will force me to open myself up and examine things i've long suppressed. there's excitement here, but also an unfamiliar energy, a pull towards something i normally avoid. i deeply believe in my intuition, and following its guidance can lead me to create something beautiful, honest, and real.

four of cups: feeling disconnected, trapped, or empty. another card of decisions, i think this card is reflecting my boredom in my current career. i'm deeply grateful for the constant opportunities to do the photography work that i love, but it's not pushing my creative boundaries, and i've been craving another outlet. it's important to not take my work for granted, but giving myself a chance to express myself in a new way will help me across the board, giving me new energy and helping me to push myself beyond my own limits.

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the middle row of cards are my next steps, giving me guidance on how to use the resources i have to get moving.

wheel of fortune: sometimes a path forward feels inevitable, while other times we're called to break our own patterns and behaviors. it doesn't feel like an accident to me that a writer i deeply admire suggested i write a specific type of piece - it feels like the kick in the ass i needed to try something new. i took a chance earlier this year with a submission to a story podcast, and several of my essays were chosen - this feels like a continuation of that energy, pushing me to keep trying, to put myself out there, to take a risk in a fresh medium. i don't want my fears of rejection or anxiety about being "good enough" to keep me from doing something i love, even if i do need to practice and improve. i'll never get better if i don't keep trying.

four of wands: celebration of hard work, moving on to bigger projects, a milestone. having my work recognized is an incredible feeling, and i've been getting a little of that lately. i won a prize from a recent instagram challenge, having my words recognized as insightful and powerful, which meant the world to me. having my essays chosen for a podcast feels so exciting, even if it hasn't aired happened yet. and having someone i really respect read my work is so affirming. all of these things are worth celebrating, and it's good to feel that satisfaction, to shut out that little voice saying it's all fake and silly and that they must be confused or lying. it's so important to recognize our own progress, and to remind ourselves of what we've accomplished.

something to know about my goal: eight of wands. there's so much fire to channel, so much creative energy flowing, and rapid movement can be overwhelming. ideas can pop up left and right, giving us a second wind for old projects as well as new visions, and it can be easy to get carried away or rush through to get to the next big thing. the queen of wands knows how to hold all of that fire, but i'm still getting there - take it slow, write everything down, and trust in my intuition.

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this spread was just what i needed to remind me of who i am, where i've been, and where i'm going. swords and cups are important parts of me, but if i can harness that wand energy and remember my place in the grand cycle of the universe, i can become the fiery queen of my dreams and be a force for inspiration, power, and creative magic.

embers & flames

my letters are written, and i'm sending them in just a little while. i've been awake for hours, full of crackling energy and nervous anticipation. it's pride, and i'm about to finish coming out. i asked for a card to meditate on, to give me energy and strength, and was given one of my favorite cards in the deck: the mother of wands. IMG_0315

i've loved this card since i first started with tarot, but she took on new meaning for me a few weeks ago as i was gathering the courage to come out on social media for the first time. most of the people in my life already knew, but making that public declaration felt like such an important step, and helped to pave the way for me to finish coming out to my family. she represents charisma, confidence, passion and strength and ferocity. she knows what she wants and will do what it takes to get it. she is so powerful and fearless, and she inspires me to be brave.

fire is such a beautiful, changeable element. it can flare up quickly, burn low and slow, spread so fast it's unstoppable, smolder and spark. it has many faces, can sometimes show instantaneous energy and flash, but other times creep up and spread until it's out of control. this queen knows when to let the embers build slowly and when to let it rage with smoke and flame, and loves all of its forms. i think i'm slowly learning that it's okay to shine brightly, to let myself crackle and glow, to embrace the heat even when it's scary.

and as i prepare for my first pride celebration, even as the rain comes down, i know it's okay to burn.