new moon in virgo

i've found it difficult to connect with my cards over the last few weeks. not because i don't love them or want to use them, but because my own energy is so incredibly low that it becomes hard to read clearly. sometimes tarot gives me a boost, helps me find direction, raises my own energy in a beautiful way - but when i'm already exhausted, it feels impossible to reach deep and find enough strength to see the messages of truth in the cards. but i miss my practice, miss the wisdom, miss connecting with something outside myself. and i may be completely drained, but just the process of shuffling and listening is still soothing. and while my spread is full of fire and has a few difficult cards, i'm still grateful for the insight this reading offers.

img_4592.jpg

1: ground: what new energy is earth bringing into my life? five of wands. while this scattered fire and competitive tension doesn't feel very related to virgo's exacting earth energy, perhaps it's instead signaling a change of direction or focus. i've been giving almost all of my energy lately to my new job, but it's meant that my creativity and passion have suffered. it feels like all of my fire is lost - maybe this new earth energy will help me find it again.

2: clear: what chaos can be shed to make room for this new energy? father of wands. strong, passionate, crackling with energy, this king of fire can let his charisma take over, and doesn't always think things through before acting. i'm struggling to see the father as chaos when the five of wands so often signals scattered energy and lack of focus, but perhaps his powerful and dominant energy is causing more harm than good.

3: perspective: where could i practice better judgment? the six of wands often speaks to overcoming adversity, and in this case i see it as removing myself from situations that tangle me up or get me caught in darkness. my job right now has very little positivity, and i'm struggling to rationalize why i should stay at all. sometimes we have to push through challenges in order to become stronger and wiser, and other times a situation is toxic and the best thing we can do is remove ourselves from the situation.

4: self-love: how can i avoid self-criticism this moon cycle? ten of wands, a card that i often read as creative burn-out or feeling overwhelmed. perhaps by channeling my fire into just a few specific tasks, i can find some of the self-love i've been missing lately.

5: intentions: how best could i manifest this new energy into my life? mother of pentacles. finally, some earth! she's a relief after all this fire. and caring for house and home, enjoying earthy pleasures, connecting with family and friends - those all sound so lovely and calming and delicious right now. keeping my physical self rested and ready is something i haven't been prioritizing, but applying that strong virgo energy to my own self seems like just the thing to help me get back on track.

it's okay to stand still

armed with a citrine cluster to help release negativity, i came to my cards today with a bit of desperation. i feel so alone, so lost, so exhausted. i just need some guidance, some help, some advice. how can i let go of these miserable thoughts? what can i do to make today feel a little bit easier? the daughter of pentacles is a card of grounding, positive energy. she is eager to explore, interested in learning everything she can, unafraid to experiment or to fail - she knows that even when things go wrong, we can find lessons in mistakes. she's IMG_0328practical, resourceful, creative, intelligent, ready for whatever comes next. there is so much to learn from this child of the earth, this eager explorer, this kind, naive daughter. but what really resonates is that she is fully present in each moment, taking things as they come. she doesn't use up all of her energy planning every step, trying to predict the future - and she doesn't spend time dwelling on past mistakes, either. she breathes deep, smiles, notices her surroundings, enjoys the sights and sounds she is immersed in, and lets her feet lead her somewhere new and magical. she fully trusts her instincts, even though she knows that they may not be fully developed - after all, she is still a child, still a student, still has so much to learn and experience. but she knows that her innate abilities, her powers of observation and exploration, her intelligence and strength and connection to the earth will guide her. she knows that she is capable of great things, even if they don't all happen today.

how does this translate to my depression, to my need for reassurance, to my self-care? this fawn has such a fresh, lovely innocence about her - but i feel ancient and crumbling in my pain, withering away to nothing. she's eager to see the world, curious and excited to experience everything she can - but i feel exhausted, bitter, and all i want to do is curl up and hide from everyone and everything. of course i wish i was more like her at this moment, but how can i possibly get there today?

the short answer is that i can't. depression is so tangled in guilt for me: all the things i'm not doing, all the ways i'm letting my friends and family down, all the ways i make everything about me me me instead of helping others. but i have to accept that this is where i am right now, and while i may not have a colorful rainbow overhead, or be surrounded by people that love me, or feel like i can accomplish much of anything on any given day, i'm still here. i'm still visiting my therapist, still talking to a psychiatrist about additional treatment options, still reading my cards when i can. i'm still talking to my husband, still taking care of my dog, still eating and even showering occasionally. i'm still answering work emails, still trying to stay in touch with friends, still keeping my family in the loop. i'm still alive.

it may not feel like much, not right now. but this is where i am, and if i can learn to accept that, perhaps today will bring a little bit of peace, and a little less pain.

adding spirit

tarot is built on four suits, each representing an element that shapes who we are and is central to the world around us. heart, mind, body, and soul - each suit in the minor arcana explores the highs and lows of our experience as humans on this earth. my course this week is all about exploring these elements within my cards, and connecting them to each other and to me personally. while beth has a number of exercises for us to follow this week, i want to include this five element spread from the wild unknown, allowing me to add in the major arcana and connect more deeply to the various elements in the deck.

1. earth

six-of-pentacles

this card represents my foundation, my home, and my sense of stability: the six of pentacles. though there is darkness around, this branch is flourishing, finding a way to grow and blossom even after difficult times. i may not have all resources available to me all the time, but making due with what is present is something that gives me courage, strength, and pride. there's beauty in both giving and receiving, and it's important to me that i don't simply take and take and take without paying things forward. i feel the most grounded when i am able to give back, help friends, be strong for those that need me. and while my career is never going to make me wealthy (and may never fully support me financially, which keeps me incredibly humble when i compare my earnings to those of my husband), doing something that i love and believe in helps me to flourish personally in ways beyond riches.

 

 

2. water

IMG_0334

the three of cups represents my emotional self, my relationships, and my creative and spiritual flow. as someone that's fairly private and doesn't always trust others immediately, this is a lovely card to see and an important reminder - i may not have a wide circle of friends, but those i do have know me truly, allow me to be myself completely, and will stand by me through thick and thin. my relationships keep me centered and healthy, and when i remember to rely on my friends and family, when i gather my strength and trust them with my pain and my darkness and my secrets, i'm always better off. it's not a weakness to ask for help or admit when i'm overwhelmed. and while it's not easy to ask for support, i need to be better about doing it.

 

3. fire

IMG_0309

this card represents my sense of self, my soul, that inner spark that keeps me moving and motivated. the seven of wands is a card of independence and strength, a light in the darkness, a bold flame that knows what it's burning for. i've always been different, rarely fit in or feel normal, but this card stands fiercely and proudly. it reminds me that knowing who i am, and not being afraid of what makes me different, is an important part of growing up and being strong. this little flame may stand alone and apart, but she's sure of what she wants, knows she cannot be silenced, believes in her calling. when i stay true to myself, even if i'm alone, i am always stronger. my inner spark is often restless, feeling that i should be burning brighter or harder or larger - i have trouble being present, acknowledging where i am with calm and purpose. but this card feels so still, though the flame is crackling and lighting up the darkness.

 

 

4. air

daughter-of-swords

the daughter of swords is straightforward, intelligent, and embraces simplicity: an inspiring card for my air element, representing my relationship to change and inspiration. i love to travel, love to explore, love challenging myself to grow and learn in new ways. but i don't like a lot of fuss - i always prefer to keep things drama-free. and while my scorpio nature means that i keep a lot of secrets, enjoy mysteries, and am often hard to read, when it comes to travel and adventurous i like to know what's going on. i'm currently on vacation with my husband and his family, and the lack of planning and communication, the utter disorganization, the clear differences in the purpose of the trip, are driving me a little bit crazy. i want to know where i'm going, want to experience as much as possible, and don't want to waste any time trying to organize those that refuse to be organized. i really identify with this child of the air: let's not make this any more complicated than it needs to be.

5. spirit

the-empress

i'm a bit surprised to see the empress in this final position, representing my relationship to spirituality and the infinite. my birth card is the high priestess, a card i love and admire deeply for her intuition and spirituality, but the empress is far more grounded. she's deeply connected to nature and the earth, embraces her senses and her body, understands the world around her on a visceral level. she is nurturing and wise, strong and kind, always extending open arms and caring words to those in need. and while i'm not sure that this is who i truly am, in this very moment i'm feeling extremely connected to the world around me. i'm in a beautiful place, craving time in nature, wanting to enjoy food and the landscape and everything around me with all of my senses. i just want to be, which is not always easy for me. california always feels like home to me, and i want to soak it in for as long as possible, enjoy this feeling of freedom and peace.

 

IMG_1474

this is a spread i want to revisit again and again, as it seems to give a really lovely insight into where i am right now, and how the elements can speak to my current state. these cards all feel calming and affirming, reflecting my current feelings of independence and solitude in the face of community, a desire for action and directness during this long and emotionally draining trip, and a craving for nature and exploration in the last days of our vacation.

i'm a bit behind on my week two exercises, but plan to do another spread tomorrow. if you're following beth's course too, please let me know how it's going!

 

aces & elements

a little bit of sleep has offered some clarity, and i'm ready to dive into week two of my tarot course and focus on the elements in the minor arcana. first exercise: aces! ace-of-cups

the suit of cups is one i talk about a lot in this space, both because as a scorpio i'm deeply connected to water but also because they tend to pop up for me frequently. the ace of cups is colorful and beautiful, overflowing with light and possibilities. this card represents the beginning of something emotional, a new relationship or connection, the start of a personal, perhaps spiritual journey. cups speak to matters of the heart, whether we're dealing with others or with ourselves. water ebbs and flows, can be calm or rough, is soothing and restful but can also quickly become overpowering without warning. it's easy to get ourselves in trouble with this suit, since emotions that start as beautiful and intriguing can quickly swirl out of control - passion can turn to hate, love can turn to obsession, anger can turn to rage. water resists control, has a mind of its own, is heavy and strong and difficult to contain, can sneak in through cracks and tight spaces to take us by surprise. i'm always reminded to keep an open heart when i see this card, to remember that all emotions have value and that it's important to stay receptive to whatever may come, but also to hang on and try not to get swept away.
ace-of-swordschanneling knowledge and mental clarity is the element of air, represented in tarot as the suit of swords. this suit is for the intellect, the power of facts and justice and communication - everything that takes place in our minds. the ace of swords is both powerful and terrifying, with its strong blade and illuminating bolts of lightning. the sword cuts to the truth of the matter, revealing what is inside with unerring certainty. this is a difficult suit for me, as i'm prone to depression and self-harm, but sometimes this kind of harsh clarity can be necessary. it's easy to get lost in the tangle of our own minds - to become so focused on our own version of events, our fears, our desires, our insecurities, that we lose sight of what is really true. air is clear and strong, and can often be taken for granted, but when we abuse it or pollute, it quickly becomes difficult to see through and can be impossible to see our way forward. we must respect the power of truth, the wisdom that comes from experience, the necessary but difficult certainties that shape who we are. and as this ace can show us that a burst of clarity, a flash of brilliance, a bit of unflinching honesty are all on the horizon, it reminds us to be ready to see what's real.

ace-of-wandsfire, passion, inspiration, power - the suit of wands represents the element of fire, and the ace of wands is one of the most brilliant, energetic cards in the deck. this card speaks to a flash of brilliance, a fresh new idea, a spark of energy that pushes us forward into an exciting opportunity. this is the ace i see the most, full of fire and creativity, but often stresses me out with its expectations and drive. the suit of wands speaks to everything that moves us, to motivation, projects, ideas and sparks, but also of burnout, overextending, pushing ourselves too hard and too fast. fire can burn low and slow, all sizzling embers and quietly glowing coals, but can quickly rage and flame into something that's impossible to control. it can burn fast and hot, cutting through everything in its path and leaving behind a wasteland - or sometimes, space for something new to grow. this ace is a spark, a flash, and gives us the energy and power and passion to push forward, to do something that speaks to us deeply. wants speak to what defines us, what makes us unique. fire is our soul.

ace-of-pentaclesrepresenting the element of earth, our bodies, careers, homes, health, and the world around us, is the suit of pentacles. everything sensual and physical is wrapped into this suit, that which grounds us and keeps us connected to the material world. the ace of pentacles speaks to growth, to resources, reminding us to be practical, methodical, and consistent. unlike some of the other suits, earth is firm and strong, not easily changed or altered. growth takes time and energy, requiring patience and strength and foresight. this ace speaks to prosperity, reminding us to commit to the process and put in the work to achieve our more worldly, physical goals. whether it's seeking a new job or building a family, finding a safe home or staying healthy or developing a new craft or seeking healthier habits, pentacles encourage us to care for ourselves in a material sense. so often we overlook resources, ignore what's right in front of us, or get so caught up in dreams and relationships and knowledge that we forget our physical selves. pentacles are a beautiful reminder to take a walk, to reconnect to the world we live in, and to take pleasure in our senses and our bodies.

FullSizeRender.jpg

each of these aces is so powerful, filled with promise and opportunity and passion, and connecting them to their elemental energies has certainly opened my eyes to the depth of each suit. there's a richness to tarot, layer after layer of new meaning and promise, and i love the feeling that i may not ever fully master this - tarot will always be teaching me.

reverence & gratitude

it's been a truly incredible few days. my letters were received with love and kindness, and now i can proudly say that i am out to my entire immediate family. it's been years in the making, and i feel such a profound sense of relief, release, and rest. i was able to celebrate my first pride weekend with the knowledge that i'm living honestly and truly. the-empresstoday's card is nurturing, holistic, and compassionate: the empress. and she's a beautiful reflection of the energy i feel today.

i love this card. the ultimate earth mother, she is creative, gentle, strong, warm, sensual, comforting, and free. she's completely unapologetic for being herself and taking up space - there's such an easy confidence about her. the empress knows her value and her worth, is sure of her place in the world. she gives of herself, openly and honestly, and thrives when she can comfort and nurture others around her. unlike the high priestess, that lives in mystery and shadows and stillness, the empress is utterly grounded, deeply connected to nature and the world around her. she is filled with love and generosity of spirit, with no rules or expectations or judgements. she is a warm embrace, a long walk through a beautiful forest, a cozy spot by a roaring fire.

the empress embodies the strengths and spirits of all four mothers in the deck: the fierce determination of the mother of wands, the insightful tranquility of the mother of cups, the experienced and wise perception of the mother of swords, and the patient compassion of the mother of pentacles. she pushes us to use all of our senses and abilities, to open ourselves to possibility, and to step fully into opportunities. but because she also represents sensuality, fertility, and cultivation, the empress can remind us to be aware of what we're nurturing, and who (or what) is nurturing us.

after pushing myself hard to be open and honest with those i love, the empress speaks to me of peace, rest, and contentment. today is a day for love, calm reflection, and kindness, of nurturing myself.