grasping magic

depression is settling around me like a heavy fog. i can feel it thickening, its weight growing by the day, blocking out the light and making it more difficult to do basic tasks. everything becomes harder, slower, painful, requiring more energy and stamina than usual. my spoons are running low. i'm growing disinterested in the world around me. sometimes the beginning is the worst, because i can still remember where i was just a few days ago. once i'm in it, i'm really in it - i lose track of time, days blur together, and it's hard to tell just bad it is until i can crawl back out into the light. right now i can still make myself do things, still find joy in friends and favorite things, but it's all a bit dulled, and i know it will only get dimmer as the days pass. i hope i'm not stuck here for too long, i think, as my head slips under the water.

IMG_0353what can the cards offer me, in their wisdom and insight and kindness? today's draw is the magician, a card of purpose, action, energy, and empowerment. armed with his knowledge of all four minor suits, he sits in stillness, but plots his next move. he's confident, independent, filled with awareness. he doesn't act simply to be busy, but rather with purpose and intent, aware of his goals and the passions that drive him. the air around him shimmers with possibility, potential, something just a moment away. a brilliant sun, so similar to the radiant card i pulled just a few days ago, shines behind him, bathing him in light. his way forward is illuminated, clear, and he simply waits for the perfect moment to take that first, strong step.

i've only drawn this card once before, when i was weeks into the upside-down. it was a stark reminder that even small actions can have power, that simple tools can accomplish great things, that using my energy in strong, deliberate ways can have a major impact. it's not always about huge goals, grand gestures, massive undertakings - sometimes even small steps forward is still better than standing still (or hiding underground).

i've been fighting this round of depression diligently, keeping myself busy with tasks and little goals even as i could feel the shadows lurking behind me. it felt like the moment i stopped, the second i turned around or acknowledged its presence, depression would consume me. and when i did, it did. but the magician tells a different story, reminds me of the tools at my disposal, my ability to cling to bits of light when i need it, my drive to find projects to fuel my passions. rather than simply waiting for something to arrive, there's beautiful intention in this card - the magician plans his course, gathers the resources he needs, and moves forward calmly and deliberately. IMG_1803

i'm trying to keep moving, trying to stay honest, trying to keep connections alive. i'm being brutally honest on social media right now, more than ever before. i'm making sure friends and family know where i'm at. i'm connecting with the online tarot community in new ways. i have a therapist that's aware of my mindset and is always a phone call away. i even have an emergency plan, just in case things get too dark, too heavy, too much.

but i think this is a strong card for me to meditate on and channel today. i don't have to conquer the world, or escape my depression, or achieve every goal i can come up with - i just have to grasp a little magic. and for today, that can be enough.