let's go

today's card is one that always brings me a bit of anxiety, and a lot of expectation: the two of wands. and while this is not a welcome card for me, there's so much to unpack and sort through as i consider the why. traditionally, the two of wands is a card of determination, IMG_0304willpower, potential, embracing power, taking a big step forward. horizontal lines indicate stability and power, but all those colors of the rainbow remind us of the limitless promise here - all that energy can be focused just about anywhere. there's so much possibility here, taking the fiery energy and opportunity present in the ace and harnessing it into something concrete. having the fire and the passion to get excited about something is a great start, but without channeling that energy into something specific, it can fizzle out, fade away, or simply get lost. we have to be willing to reach out and grab those wands, point that colorful, vibrant energy towards something, and get going.

for some, i imagine this is a really exciting card. new ideas! a call to action! potential for greatness! but for me, i simply see pressure. there's so much expectation when starting something new, so many challenges to get things right, that i'm afraid to even start.

i've written before about the stories that we tell ourselves, the way that we view our personalities and strengths and experiences, and how that often looks very different than the way others perceive us. i think that's a fundamental part of the human experience, that no matter how self-aware we strive to be, we will always see ourselves in a specific way that may not align with the way we appear to the world around us. my view of myself has always been fairly specific, both in terms of what i am and what i'm not: hardworking, but not ambitious. creative, but not a creator. passionate, but not goal-oriented. interesting, but not unique. i am someone that can help people achieve their goals, craft their art, support their dreams, but i don't have lofty ambitions or life-long objectives of my own. i'm artistic, but i'm not my own artist - i can contribute and complete, but i don't have enough ideas to actually start something.

...which makes a card like this, that's all about learning and building and focusing, feel impossible. what could i make, say, create, that hasn't already been done a hundred times? why would my struggles, my lessons, my thoughts matter to anyone? how could i express myself that wouldn't feel redundant, or simply ridiculous?

the answer is that i don't know. i'm more comfortable in a supporting role, but this card is not about comfort. this card is about taking all those swirling ideas, those niggling fragments of inspiration, those random scribbles in notebooks and hastily-written, half-finished stories, and channeling them into something real. whether or not anyone sees it is not the point - the purpose is to actually make or do or say the thing, to craft it into something that matters. the point is the process, the journey, the attempt. simply making the effort isn't the first step, it's the third or fourth in an long series - and it can be the hardest one.

i'm not sure where this is going yet, but what's clear is that it's time to get started.